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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:10 am 
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The Divorce

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 8:48 am 
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· I changed my iPad name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

· Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

· How about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

· Earthquake in Washington: obviously government's fault.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

· Never fall in love with a tennis player, because to a tennis player, love means nothing.

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 8:52 am 
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Fairy of the River appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Fairy of the River went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Fairy of the River again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Fairy of the River went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Fairy of the River was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Fairy of the River again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Fairy of the River, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Fairy of the River went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Fairy of the River asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Fairy of the River was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, Fairy of the River. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Angelina Jolie. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Great Fairy of the River, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 11:44 am 
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Joan! Some of those one liners are the best! But did you have to post them all at once? :rofl2: You could have kept me laughing for a month!

My favorite: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I love particle physics. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:29 pm 
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To add to the above:

• There was a guy who fell into a lens grinding machine. He made a spectacle of himself.

• A lady backed into an airplane. Disaster!

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:43 pm 
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:rofl2: Now you've set me off. :rofl2:

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:18 am 
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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a
show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What
does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general pathetically all in the name of
humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little chap on your lap."

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:10 pm 
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I must admit that blond jokes are one of my guilty pleasures. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:24 pm 
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Blond jokes are a sore spot with me! I went off the wall when I found out that the government paid a research group 47 million dollars to determine the exact number of blond jokes in existence. First off, who cares? Second, how can you possibly come up with a definitive number?

The odd thing is that they actually DID come up with an exact number of blond jokes. Turns out that there is really only one blond joke, the rest are all true stories.

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:09 pm 
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:rofl2:

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:51 am 
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Two Minnesota Engineers

Sven and Ole, two Minnesota engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A Woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a couple bolts, and lays the pole down on the ground.

Then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, takes a measurement and announces, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walks away.

Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:31 pm 
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I bloody love eBay.

Sold my homing pigeon eight times last month.

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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other..

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

_____


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

A few moments later, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and said, "Father, remember Luke 14:10!"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on whilst changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Luke 14:10!" Once again the priest apologized and removed his hand.

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Luke 14:10. It said, "Friend, go up higher. Then shalt thou have glory..."

_____


Two babies are in the park and one says to the other, "I'm a little baby girl, what are you?"

The other baby replies, "I'm a little baby boy."

So the little girl baby asks, "How do you know?"

So the little boy baby pulls back his blanket and says, "Look... blue socks!"

_____


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting flies", he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

_____


A woman pulled into the crowded car-park at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever dog had fresh air.

The dog was lying across the back seat where the woman wanted her to obediently stay, whilst she walked over to the pay-and-display ticket machine.

The woman began to walk backwards away from the car, pointing a warning finger at the dog and saying emphatically, "Now stay! Do you hear me? Staaay!!"

A blonde emerged from a nearby car and, smiling sympathetically
said: "Oh there's a much easier way to do this!"

"Is there really?", the first woman asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh yes. Do you see that lever-thingie between the front seats, pull that on before you get out and the car will always stay right where you want it to!"

_____


"Hello. Is that Dublin double two, double two?", asked the caller.

"Indeed no," said Murphy. "It's Dublin two, two, two, two."

"I'm sorry to have troubled you", said the caller.

"It's all right", said Murphy. "I had to answer the phone anyway!"

_____


When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head...

Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

_____


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screamed, “I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!”

The vicar smiled, leaned forward sucking air through his teeth and muttered, “Too late pal, the paperwork's already done!"

_____


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says, "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London!"

_____


A new neighbor called the Highways Department to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign from our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, anymore."

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2012 1:16 pm 
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Devil in Church
People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 6:56 am 
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on a plane and he turned to her and asked, ‘Do you want to talk?’ Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl who had just started to read a book replied, ‘What do you want to talk about?’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ said the atheist. ‘How about why there is no God or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death’ as he smiled smugly.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first.’

‘A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same grass, yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?’

The atheist visibly surprised by the girls intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘I have no idea.’

To which the girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, no Heaven or Hell or no life after death, when you don’t know Sh*t?’

And she went back to reading her book….

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 2:45 pm 
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Ha!

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 7:37 am 
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A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St
Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But
Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been
forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden
of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with
the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when
I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some
considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she
had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed
the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of
twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider
your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away
shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the
answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question
absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest
to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you
arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...!

... you're singing it now, aren't you?

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 11:31 am 
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Excellent Joan. Fascinating to go back and look at the history of Waltzing Matilda

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 4:55 pm 
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Father O'Malley
Father O'Malley, an Irish priest, was transferred to Texas. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He arose from his bed one morning and walked to the window to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. To his surprise he noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, being a Lutheran and considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true. But we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call!"

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:33 am 
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Good one Joan, here is a funny fer ya

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-918OMwCx6w

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 5:50 pm 
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?


Where do they go?





Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.





The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:45 pm 
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Sven and Ole got a job with the power company putting in a new power line. The workers were split in pairs and given a number of poles to set up during the day.

At day's end the foreman came over and checked the numer of poles still to be set up.

Frowning he called Sven and Ole over.

"Look at this stack. You haven't even set up a quarter of them. All the other crews have set almost all of their's."

"Vell, ya, sure," Ole said. "But look at how much dey left sticking out of da ground."

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 8:24 am 
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JoanA wrote:
My Mother Taught Me…

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


ABSOBLOODYLUTELYBRILLIANT! :D

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 8:25 am 
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Like 'em all. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 3:19 pm 
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Speaking of laughs, this is an oldie but goodie. I thought it was lost forever as the web page of the radio program that hosted it is long gone. Thanks to YouTube it has been resuscitated.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI&feature=player_embedded

You might want to have tissues available as your eyes will be streaming from laughter by the time it is over. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Lets have a laugh.
 Post Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 5:39 am 
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Keep 'em coming folks.

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